Complicated Co-parenting Series – Part 5
Blog 5 – How do I help My Neurodiverse Child in the Midst of Co-Parenting?
This topic is layered, and this question is sophisticated! Why? If you are still staying focused on helping your uniquely wired child in the midst of trying to co-parent your child with your ex-partner, then you are likely working very hard to stay Child-Focused and grow as a parent. I know this from almost 25 years of helping parents (both divorced and still married) of children with issues of neurodiversity.
It is one of the greatest sources of pain to see your child suffer and try to get them help. It takes courage to face your own guilt and concerns as a parent and push through the worry to try to convert it into help for your child. It may require a hard investigation into your triggers and emotional strengths and needs. It may even lead you to discover undiagnosed and untreated issues of neurodiversity that you or your co-parent need help with. That’s what the parent experience does to us, especially if we have a child who is dealing with something beyond typical development. It demands that we maintain perseverance and courage to find the source of our children’s struggles—we are tasked to employ extreme dedication and strength to pursue a path where we continually commit to getting them the right help day after day, appointment after appointment, professional after professional. It’s exhausting, disillusioning, and often disheartening. Yet, it is essential for your uniquely wired child’s developmental progress. Keep reminding yourself during this long journey that you are doing it! And that is what matters the most!! You matter most for your child’s progress. Don’t forget that.
As a parent who is concerned about their child, your first task is to delve into what issues might be contributing to their problems or suffering. Most parents who are reading about neurodiversity are already well along this path of learning about their child’s needs and diagnoses. Yet, if you need help to discern typical from atypical behaviors in your child, you can turn to a classic and easy-to-understand reference book to answer the common question that many parents ask at first--Is this Normal? Dr. Dee Ray (2016) writes an excellent summary for therapists of all levels and areas of child development, ages birth through 12 years old, and provides easy to understand summary sheets for parents in the back of the book.
If you’re reading this blog, you likely are trying to figure out how to help your neurodiverse child in the midst of divorcing. Please refer back to the four other blogs in this series to figure how to support and rebuild your family after divorce, what is best in arranging a co-parenting plan with your particular parenting partner, and if you are indeed in a complicated coparenting relationship and what to do about it. You’re also doubly challenged if you are securing support for your complicated child who could be dealing with neurodiversity. How do you know what helps is right? And how can you navigate help for your child even in very difficult family circumstances?
What is Neurodiversity? It was first coined by Judy Singer in 1998, who outlined an approach to learning and disability that recognized that is is neurologically normal to have a variable range of diverse neurological areas of development and skills across the human race, and among different people (Grant, 2021–Understanding Autism: A neurodiversity affirming guidebook for children and teens.). Most neurodiversity-affirming advocates and professionals uphold the social model perspective that identifies social barriers and problems within our societal systems as creating a disabling experience for neurodiverse individuals of their neurological differences.
While Autism is only one of the five Atypical Neurotypes (along with Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, and ADHD), it is the one that most clearly reflects the experience of neurodiverse individuals as compared to a Neurotypical person (Aherne, 2023). Specifically, autism is a developmental disability that impacts how the world is experienced through problems in communication, sensory processing, and movement.
Persons with autism often register sensory information (sound, touch, visual, etc) more strongly and less predictably, which can make their experience of the world challenging and dysregulating. Emotional expression and communication can be disrupted due to the neurodiverse person’s “operating system” overloading or short-circuiting (if you will)—They tend to explode, withdraw, or shut down. They also might fail to communicate well or process information clearly. Key areas that are impacted by neurodiversity are most types of communication (verbal, nonverbal, listening, visual, and written communication along with style and context of communication), working memory (holding a lot of information at once), and processing (cognitive and sensory information can be difficult to process which means their response time could be off—-too fast, too slow, erratic, or unpredictable—-in social conversations. Persons with autism and other neurotypes can also experience “double empathy” problems, which means that they can be sensitive and thoughtful and communicate well with other neurodiverse persons, they can often feel misunderstood or not relate well with persons who are neurotypical or don’t have autism. Unwritten rules are hard. Changes in routines or schedules can be disruptive and upsetting, and social relating can feel especially challenging.
Persons with Autism or issues of neurodiversity can also struggle to manage their feelings well and can become emotionally dysregulated easily, which results in an over or underreaction to certain circumstances, especially those that involve nuanced social situations. This makes problem-solving difficult for persons with Autism or even ADHD. They can experience emotional crises more regularly than their siblings or peers. They can also experience consequences from these emotional outbursts that result in shame or difficulty making and keeping friends.
In families that are dealing with complicated co-parenting, all of these problems for neurodiverse children can be placed on one parent or the other as blame in the midst of a high-conflict divorce or separation. It is important to try to learn as much as possible about your child’s expression of their neurodivergence rather than finding fault in your co-parent for these behaviors. Once we understand the behavioral patterns and consequences better, we can begin to focus on how to hone our parenting with and without our ex-partner.
Now your child doesn’t have to have autism to be experiencing some of these problems. One of the most common mental health conditions for children—ADHD–is one of the five neurotypes. And, studies show that 15% to 20% of persons in the UK or US have some form of neurodiversity. That’s almost a quarter of our population or 1 in 7 persons that you encounter.
While it’s common, it is not easy to access proper help for children who are differently wired (Reber). Even developmental professionals and child therapists are working to catch up with the findings in this area of research/treatment. It requires customized, specialized assessment and sophisticated child and family treatment. Dr. Dan Shapiro is one local developmental pediatrician who has committed his career to helping parents learn how to parent their challenging children (Parent-Child Journey). His book is an excellent resource for all parents who are hoping to learn specific strategies for helping their children with their symptoms and behaviors.
And, what do we know about strategies generally, whether it is in parenting, business operations, or behavioral management? Strategies are only effective when leadership is in order. When our leaders are doing the work of leadership growth—learning, developing their skills, listening well, communicating well, and learning from their teammates and partners—they are most likely to grow something successful. When they aren’t, we often see problems in functioning and inefficiencies. Families are the same. If parents are struggling in their co-parenting, then they are likely struggling in helping their children with complex problems of neurodiversity. Even more, the children’s problems may be igniting more conflict by triggering fear in one or both parents, naturally. When parents are fearful and struggling to feel safe in their co-parenting relationship, then they often relate with old coping styles that aren’t helpful to resolving problems for their child. It’s an asteroid waiting to explode!
It’s important for parents who are concerned about their children’s mental health to try to return to a Child-Centered Focus if they can, ideally with their co-parent. If they can’t, they can decide what type of parenting approach for divorced parents they should employ (co-parenting, parallel parenting, or solo/silo parenting). Once an approach is chosen, a parent can take some of the following steps to move through treatment decisions for their child:
- Commit to a parenting approach with your parenting partner (either mutually agreed upon or what you deem best for your unique situation) and keep at it. Keep working at it, and make sure to give yourself support (e.g., therapy, supportive friends/groups, legal support, etc.).
- Get an assessment for your child to determine the core conditions. This assessment would most likely be a neuropsychological assessment by a psychologist or a developmental assessment by a developmental pediatrician. Invest in this process early and update it every three years or as your child’s condition changes.
- Secure therapy for your child or teen in the form of individual child/play therapy or teen counseling. You can also participate in parent/individual therapy as a form of helping your neurodivergent child, either in addition to their therapy or in lieu of if they won’t participate well. This therapy can offer support to understand their diagnosis and also help them with coping skills with their symptoms.
- Consider therapy for your child as a long-term coaching or tutoring process that will help them at different points in their development. Choose someone who is a good fit for your family and your child. It’s ideal if they have expertise in your child’s neurodiversity. Yet, that is often hard to find. If so, then consider finding the right person, and then consult with specialists as an adjunctive service as you progress through the helping journey. Younger children will do best with play therapy and/or occupational therapy. Older teens can often manage combined “talk therapy,: but often need nondirective techniques that include forms of play, movement, or alternative/creative interventions (art, music, dance, animals, sports, etc).
- Help your child or teen progress to be able to use group interventions (social skills groups, peers groups, small group activities, or dyadic participation in sports or games). These kids need extra help growing these skills and often need a therapist or group leader to serve as a “coach” to guide them through what skills to use when living in the moment while playing and relating with other kids their age.
- Start the IEP process through your child’s school to obtain behavioral support and interventions in school. Consider consulting with an educational advocate to ensure you get the best IEP for your child’s needs. This process takes a long time. Request a Child Find meeting in writing with the special education representative at your child’s school or school special education representative. They are required by federal law to hold a meeting within 3 days. They then conduct an evaluation and hold an eligibility meeting within 3 months. You can submit private testing to support your child’s eligibility. At the eligibility meeting, your child will receive an IEP or other related plan if they are eligible for services. That plan must be implemented within a certain amount of time at school.
- Consider a medical exam and evaluation for your child to inform their pediatrician of their condition. If your child’s symptoms are harmful or aggressive to you, your child, or others, consider a medication evaluation with a psychiatrist.
- Find a parent support group or some other parents who are parenting neurodivergent children. Sure, confide in your friends who have typical children. But make sure you have others who truly “get it” from the experience of parenting a child with neurodivergence. There aren’t easy answers or solutions for our children who struggle in this way, so don’t fall prey to judgment or well-intentioned advice from others who don’t understand the full picture.
- Try to work with your co-parent on these plans and come up with a mutually agreed upon treatment plan for your neurodivergent child. Yet, if they stall, resist, or reject the plans, then find a way to move forward with care, even if it means ultimately taking steps independently or reverting to legal action. Hold your boundaries and commitment to help your child even if your co-parent can’t come along. Or find a way to position the plan in a way that will get them to join even if for their own reasons of saving face in front of others.
- Most importantly, don’t give up, and know that all the small steps and little actions are cumulative—they add up to a process of support for your child that keeps them developing through their struggles. Every struggle offers a chance for your child to grow more. And each conflict or obstacle provides you the opportunity to help your child. This models what ultimately your child needs to learn–their obstacles in neurodiversity can help them develop their unique strengths!