COMPLICATED CO-PARENTING SERIES – Part 1

Part 1 – DE & RE-Constructing A Family due to Separation & Divorce

Parenting is a mighty task, and it’s even mightier when we are trying to co-parent in the midst of or following a separation or divorce. Most parents don’t enter parenting with divorce in mind, yet all parents can aim to keep their children top of mind as they strive to set up co-parenting arrangements. Working with children and teens automatically means working with parents, which about half of the time means working with families who are dealing with divorce.  For the past 20+ years, I have helped families in all phases of the divorce process—contemplating, undergoing, and recovering from.  While divorce entails grief for everyone involved, it doesn’t have to be conflictual and scarring to your children.  And we know that if it was difficult to get along with your partner while married, it is even more challenging to manage co-parenting with relative peace once you’re apart.  

I’m taking my two decades of experience helping families of divorce and combining it with the top texts in divorce literature to summarize some information about co-parenting and what happens when it becomes complicated. First, I will review how to recognize the common issues and needs for families dealing with divorce and how to make sure you are addressing the basics of separation and divorce.  Next, I will outline the primary goals of co-parenting and how to set up positive co-parenting communication systems.  Third, I’m going to highlight some co-parenting ideals—what we all should strive for when trying to re-establish a positive frame for our family after divorce.  Then, I will discuss some complex issues that make co-parenting more difficult, including when a partner is ill (physically or mentally), or toxic in their interactions with you or your child.  

DE & RE-Constructing A Family

When parents consider and pursue divorce, they are usually doing so in the midst of a lot of pain and grief. Most parents expect to stay married to their spouse and co-parent their children. Yet, many parents decide that they will be better parents and perhaps better partners once they’ve separated their personal lives from each other through separation and divorce.

As a parent begins to separate their relationship from their life partner, they need to begin to grieve their prior expectations for their lives and their family.  This process means confronting what you had hoped for and what you still strive for in parenting your children well.  It requires that you work through your pain and blame of your partner into the mindset and heart space of accepting sole responsibility for creating a “happy enough” home separate from your former partner and a “healthy enough” relationship with your co-parent, first and foremost.  Yes!– it could be your partner’s fault that you are divorcing; it might even be their entire idea to separate and not yours. Yet, that doesn’t really matter when it comes to co-parenting, even though it is painful. 

What to Consider When Starting a Co-Parenting Relationship

1.  So first, Get yourself support and help to move through the grief phases of divorce and separation (https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/the-5-stages-of-divorce-grief.html).  It can take a while, but the work is worth it, especially for your kids.  Stick it out and do the work.  (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202303/6-stages-of-separation-or-divorce)
2. Familiarize yourself with Co-parenting Basics.  Great books to consider are: Between Two Homes by Bradley S. Craig & Between Two Homes: A Co-Parenting Workbook (The most useful workbook with language for parents to use with their children), Cooperative Parenting & Divorce: A Parent Guide to Effective Co-parenting, and The Co-Parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell] [The best book of basics].  I’ll review the basic tenets from these books below, but pick one and refer to it often.  
   1. Choose to be Child-Focused vs. adult-focused:  Arrange visits and plans based on what will be least disruptive for the child and enhance “their time” with each parent vs. making a schedule based on “my time vs. your time.”  
   2. Get Clear about Core Values and Common Goals:  Have a conversation or do some solo reflection about what matters most to you for your child (i.e, quality time, feeling loved, etc.) and what you can/or have agreed on as the primary goals for getting through the divorce (i.e., kids have clear schedules, kids continuing to thrive in school, kids getting to see their friends regularly, etc.).  
   3. Set up Positive Co-Parenting Communication Systems Early On: 
      1. Text for daily logistics and “need to know now” info.
      2. Email weekly update re: schedule, logistics, and “need to share” info at times of transition.
      3. Use unplanned phone calls to problem-solve or troubleshoot on urgent matters.
      4. Have planned Phone calls to problem solve or plan on less urgent, but important matters.
      5. Schedule In-Person Monthly Meetings (if conflict can be managed) for Values-Based, More Emotional Conversations
      6. Remember to stay in your lane—don’t give the other parent advice about their home or style; share your experience only.  
   4. Aim to Minimize the Loyalty Bind & Plan for “Upset”:  The loyalty bind is when the child naturally feels pulled between showing love/feeling love for each parent. It is a natural adaptation when children feel less secure in their attachment to their parents when that parenting partnership is dissolving or changing. Even when there is high conflict or mean treatment, almost all kids experience a loyalty bind. That can show up through a negative attitude toward one parent as well as an overly strong or clingy relationship with the other parent. 
   5. Except when you are protecting your child from abuse, you will do your best to maintain a Neutral or Benign Attitude about the other parent as a person and parenting partner. And even with an unconsciously abusive co-parent, it will be better to make the most generous interpretation of the other parent’s intent when talking about that parent with your child.  You can easily describe the behavior as harmful or hurtful without disparaging the parent.  
   6. Hold Structure in Your Home and Honor Your Co-Parents Systems:  You don’t have to run your homes the same way, even though it helps when basic rules are aligned.  The greater the conflict, the more you should let go of trying to align your parenting practices.  Misaligned home rules are far less harmful to children than co-parents who fight constantly. Key areas to aim for alignment (if it doesn’t elicit too much constant conflict) are chores, bedtime/wakeup/curfew routines, homework, technology practices, money matters related to the kid’s spending, household rules of respect and rules about friends/outings/dating.  
   7. Arrange a Schedule that is both Consistent & Flexible:  Routines and Rules are to help guide our behavior and actions. This notion is true when reconstructing your separate household. Again, your schedule and rules ideally should be continuous between homes but not when that leads to parents arguing constantly.  Continuous structure means that parents aim for some consistency–(i.e., Dad eats dinner with kids on Wednesdays. Mom picks up on Mondays) And what do we know about family schedules in our modern world? They are constantly changing and being challenged. So having a schedule allows us to be flexible when things come up.  Without a schedule, kids and parents don’t know where they are supposed to be and when–it also can create greater conflict between parents and communication problems.  It can lead to kids feeling unsettled or taking advantage of communication loopholes, as well. So start with a schedule and then adapt. Review it weekly with your co–parent if you’re able, if not with yourself. 

And lastly, be patient. It likely took you at least 2 years and perhaps over 20 years to construct this family as it is together.  Even in the most ideal situations, it will easily take you up to a year to recover from separation/divorce and up to two years to reestablish your new family system as a co-parent. And when you are dealing with Complicated Co-Parenting, you need to use different markers of success to measure how far you’ve come.  Stay tuned for further information about Complicated Co-Parenting.