• About Us
    • FAQs
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley
  • New! Mental Health Consultations
  • Our Services
    • New! Mental Health Consultations
    • Adult Therapy
    • Child Therapies
    • Teen Therapy
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Group therapy for children
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents
  • Therapists
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
    • Hours & Location
    • Payment & Forms
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg
  • Home
  • About Us »
    • FAQs »
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley »
  • New! Mental Health Consultations »
  • Our Services »
    • New! Mental Health Consultations »
    • Adult Therapy »
    • Child Therapies »
    • Teen Therapy »
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy »
    • Family Therapy »
    • Group therapy for children »
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents »
  • Therapists »
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S »
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW »
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC »
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT »
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C »
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C »
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP »
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW »
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd »
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW »
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW »
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW »
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW »
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor »
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW »
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW »
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE »
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW »
  • Blog »
  • Contact Us »
    • Hours & Location »
    • Payment & Forms »
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg »
  • Home »
 
facebook

Capitol Hill office is now open!

Schedule an appointment at intake@thesibleygroupdc.com
  • Recent Posts

    • The Truth about Therapy
    • Why Validation Matters
    • You’ve Heard of Post-Traumatic Stress… but What About Post-Traumatic Growth?
    • Understanding Childhood Grief in the Holidays 
    • The Parent as the Pathway to Healing
  • Archives

    • March 2023
    • January 2023
    • December 2022
    • November 2022
    • October 2022
    • August 2022
    • July 2022
    • June 2022
    • May 2022
    • April 2022
    • March 2022
    • February 2022
    • January 2022
    • December 2021
    • November 2021
    • October 2021
    • September 2021
    • August 2021
    • July 2021
    • May 2021
    • April 2021
    • March 2021
    • February 2021
    • January 2021
    • December 2020
    • November 2020
    • October 2020
    • September 2020
    • August 2020
    • July 2020
    • June 2020
    • May 2020
    • April 2020
    • March 2020
    • February 2020
    • January 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • October 2019
    • September 2019
    • August 2019
    • July 2019
    • June 2019
    • May 2019
    • April 2019
    • March 2019
    • February 2019
    • January 2019
    • December 2018
    • October 2018
    • September 2018
    • August 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • March 2018
    • February 2018
    • January 2018
    • December 2017
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • September 2017
    • August 2017
    • July 2017
    • June 2017
    • May 2017
    • April 2017
    • March 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • November 2016
    • October 2016
    • September 2016
    • August 2016
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
  • Categories

    • ADHD
    • Adult Psychotherapy
    • Anxiety
    • Bethesda Psychotherapist
    • Child Counseling
    • Child therapy
    • Coping Skills
    • Couples Therapy
    • DC Psychotherapist
    • Depression
    • Divorce
    • Family Therapy
    • Mindfulness
    • Parenting
    • Self-care
    • Uncategorized
    • Washington

Difficult Relationships During the Holidays–Trying Not to FIX: Part II

Posted by Justin Barrasso

 

two women sitting on a park bench, laughing

As a child, adolescent, and family therapist in Washington, DC, I am constantly trying to perfect my craft and learn more about what I do.  One of the ways I try to stay abreast of the latest trends and topics is by listening to podcasts. One of my favorite all-time podcast episodes is, “The Problem with the Solution” which is on Season 2 of the NPR podcast, Invisibilia.  In a nutshell, this episode of the podcast talks about how we are continuing to struggle in appropriately responding to mental health because we are trying to solve it.  The problem is in trying to fix people.  I highly recommend listening to it as it offers an interesting perspective not often broadcast in our culture.  

The move away from “fixing things” is in effect what we are trying to accomplish in the mental health field.  For example, Steven Hayes, the creator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy on the podcast episode, “ACT and Process-Based CBT with Dr. Steven Hayes” on the podcast, Psychologists off the Clock talks about how the fields of psychology and psychotherapy are moving away from a disease or diagnosis model of mental health where manualized treatments are the recommended protocol to one which is made of evidence-based processes which are effective across diagnosis and psychological theory.  Acceptance and Commitment therapy is the psychotherapy du jour right now, being heavily researched and rooted in a solid scientific theory called Relational Frame Theory which is an outgrowth of behaviorism.

ACT outlines 6 core processes for change (acceptance, cognitive defusion, being present, self as context, values, and committed action)  or what ACT calls, “psychological flexibility.” ACT overlooks and important strategy– the process of listening and not trying to fix things, which is perhaps folded into the core process of “acceptance” and/or “being present”.  

I agree with the psychologist William Stixrud, who in his book, “The Self-Driven Child: The science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives” says,

From 1960 until 2002, high school and college students have steadily reported lower and lower levels of internal locus of control (the belief that they can control their own destiny) and higher levels of external locus of control (the belief that their destiny is determined by external forces).  This change has been associated with an increased vulnerability to anxiety and depression. In fact, adolescents and young adults today are five to eight times more likely to experience the symptoms of an anxiety disorder than young people were at earlier times, including during the Great Depression, World War II, and the cold war.  Are things really harder now than they were during the Depression? Or are we doing something that is dampening their natural coping mechanisms? (2018, p. 2)

Stixrud and his co-author Ned Johnson go on to talk about a lack of control as being the “dampening” process that has led to more anxiety and depression in our youth.  In my work with teens, I witness parents and helpers–lovingly, yet unwittingly– trying to fix things for anxious and depressed teens, which often leaves everyone feeling helpless and unsuccessful.   In parenting, this has become known as being a “lawnmower parent”. This label describes behaviors by parents and other adults who interact with and help children grow up by mowing down every obstacle the child faces so the child does not experience any discomfort.  The adults fix the problem, yet the problem with doing this is that the child will struggle to develop a sense of self, a sense of self-agency, and a sense of resiliency. The more other people take on to solve a problem, the less the child has to do. Therefore, the teen or child is left without skills in how to solve their own problems for the future.

So what do you do?  You listen— this might be the most important thing you could do.  It is ok to not try to “fix” things for other people as long as you are there for that person in an emotionally supportive and non-anxious manner.  Listening is not a passive activity; listening may actually be the most active thing you can do, especially, if you are not trying to fix the problem.  Listening is a skill and can sometimes be hard work. It’s why people need therapists because they may not have other people in their lives who do actually listen to them.   I argue that being with and healing means not trying to fix but listening and helping the other person create and develop their own answers, which will enable autonomy and self-healing.

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted in Bethesda Psychotherapist, DC Psychotherapist, Mindfulness, Uncategorized, Washington. Bookmark the permalink.
← Previous Post Next Post →
  • About Us
  • Our Services
  • Hours & Location
  • Payment & Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
  • Home
  • No Surprises Act

Allison Sibley & Associates, PLLC • 5039 Connecticut Avenue NW #5 Washington DC 20008
202-237-1196 [office]

Website by MightyLittleWebShop.com. Photos by Karen Elliott Greisdorf and Amanda Good.

©️ Copyright 2023. The Sibley Group. All rights reserved.

 

favicon

New Service Offerings: Mental Health Consultations

TSG is aware of the high level of need for mental health support and treatment for the families in our community and beyond, and an increasingly short supply of available therapists. We are excited to offer new services with immediate daytime availability: Mental Health Consultations. These appointments are a one-time or brief preventive and/or supportive service for individuals and families who are not engaged in therapy at TSG, yet could benefit from consulting with a mental health expert in a variety of ways. Email intake@thesibleygroupdc.com for more information or to schedule a consultation.

Click here for more information on on our new mental health consultation service.