Having fun together breeds a strong romantic relationship. Decades of observational studies corroborate this claim, and I can also attest to this as a couples therapist in the Washington D.C. and Bethesda area. Shared leisure experiences are strongly tied to both personal wellbeing and relationship stability (i.e., whether the relationship lasts). If you are in a long-term relationship, it is likely that you and your partner at least began with a lot in common in terms of leisure preferences. However, having fun together is often couples’ last priority when faced with the day-to-day challenges of paying bills, playing with kids, and (not) sleeping. Here are some thoughts on ways that couples can cash in on this relationship-enhancing jackpot:

• Time is precious. Modern life is busy; burnout is everywhere. Small tasks, even getting out of the house can seem like a chore. Kids only add to the complication. In fact, researchers have documented that when a child is born, couples tend to give up on aligning their interests, because they experience reductions in the time available for leisure. This is counterproductive. With less time, the most satisfied couples will choose leisure activities that they can both enjoy together. Which leads us to…

• Get to know your partner again. The most successful couples not only start out with common interests, but work at aligning them over time. The most common phase of life in which this process is disrupted is while raising children. This does not have to be you. You may not have as much time for leisure while raising children, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dream with your partner about the things you’d like to be doing. Dreaming together will reveal your partner’s current leisure interests as well as more profound aspirations, which leads us to…
• Evaluate larger life goals with your partner. Are you in a dual-earner couple where each one of you is pushing with the same level of effort in your early 50’s as you were when you first started climbing the career ladder? This might be in alignment with the family’s shared goals, but it might not (anymore). Intensely demanding jobs will only further reduce the availability of shared leisure time. Re-evaluating the impact of each partner’s current employment situation is a conversation couples should have regularly. A shift to a new workplace may be the magic ticket to more shared leisure time.

Acting on some of these points with the assistance of a therapist may be helpful. Strong emotions tend to come out when discussing life goals and time lost to managing mundane affairs. Creating free time may require behavioral changes. What is clear is that couples who cannot bring themselves to align their leisure time are less satisfied and more likely to break up. That does not have to apply to you.