How to Teach Your Kids Self Advocacy Skills — Part II When My Child Struggles to Speak Up

This post is the second in a series of three posts on how to help your child self advocate for him/herself both in the classroom and with his/her homework tasks.  As a parent/family therapist, I am often helping parents with strategies on how they can help their children grow skills in a certain area.  Here are some questions that I get from parents and some information that might help you help your child. 

What do I do when my child is afraid to speak up? 

Sometimes kids/teens aren’t feeling comfortable speaking up. In those instances, it is good to work with them on feeling more secure and comfortable.  Try working on the 3C’s of Security developed by Dr. Stanley Greenspan.  

Competence: We demonstrate that we are competent when we know that we know how to do something well.  Sometimes improving our mastery in an area will help us feel more confident (i.e. math facts, sight words, practicing or repeating a skill).  Be careful! This is the one that most parents and teachers over-focus on, and thus risk ignoring the other two areas, which are often more helpful when kids are reticent. 

Confidence:  We show that we are confident when we feel that we are good at something.  Sometimes, we can bridge a child’s strength areas with what they are striving to learn. For instance, we can help a child appreciate his/her strong ideas about a subject area when working on new writing skills. 

Connection:  We often do better and feel better when we feel close to others or are in sync with the situation (i.e familiarity, physical proximity, or environmental comforts).  Sometimes we can increase someone’s skills by helping them feel more physically comfortable (i.e. food, water, body temperature), or emotionally comfortable (i.e. relaxing, soothing, taking pressure off etc). Also, we tend to do better when we feel that others understand us.  Try using empathy statements to help your child connect to you and their feelings better.  

• • • I know this is really new and confusing. 

• • • It’s hard to try something new.

• • • I get how tough it is.  

It’s so hard to support our children when he/she is afraid or avoidant. Try to identify which “C” needs the most support and focus your strategies and attention on that area.  For instance, if your child is less secure and lacking strong connections at school, work with your child’s teacher or school counselor to add on some special playtime with a favorite teacher, or consider if they will pair your child with a friendly classmate during an upcoming project [Connection]–or see if s/he can be class helper in a an area that she excels in, which might help her/him be seen as a support to other students.   If your child struggles to feel good at his/her studies, arrange for him/her to be a learning buddy to a younger student in school in one of his/her strength areas [Confidence].  If your child is having trouble learning new material, see if she/he can work with a close friend [Competence] to gain some knowledge in a comfortable way. 

Stay tuned for our next post in this three part series on Self Advocacy Skills for Students when we discuss what to do when your child resists speaking up or self advocating.