Is Low-Demand Parenting Right For Your Family?

Lately, a rash of coaching commentary on parenting approaches has emerged.  It can be challenging for parents to know what to rely on for their parenting approaches, especially for their neurodivergent children.  I want to share some basic information about parenting styles and add information I reviewed about Low-Demand parenting. 

As a Parenting Specialist, I have read hundreds of parenting books and worked with thousands of parents, especially those of neurodivergent children or youth who need mental health services. In sum, Authoritative Parenting still seems to be the most effective approach for typically developing children and neurotypical parents. However, I think Gottman’s Emotion Coaching Parent approach is a nice addition to an Authoritative style. Please see the summary below to learn about the different forms of parenting.

Parenting Styles–Authoritarian, Permissive/Laissez Faire, Authoritative, Low-Demand, Gentle Parenting, and Emotion Coaching Parenting

Most of us know the research on the three different parenting styles and that being an authoritative parent (direct, clear, and responsive) is more effective than being a permissive (too soft), or authoritarian (too harsh) parent. Fewer of us know John and Julie Gottman’s four parenting styles.  The Gottmans researched and proposed four types of parents, only one of which is ideal. Guess which one that is:

• The Dismissive Parent: dismisses negative emotions
• The Disapproving Parent: similar to the dismissing parent but more negative and judgmental.
• The Laissez-Faire Parent: permissive, offers little problem-solving and/or emotional guidance.
• The Emotion Coach parent: views their children’s bad moods as opportunities to empathize, connect, and teach.

Gentle parenting, targets connection, communication, and consistency as the primary tools. It also upholds respect and empathy between parents and kids.  https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/gentle-parenting. It’s probably not too far from The Emotion Coach Parent with one distinct difference— Emotion coaching strongly emphasizes setting limits and boundaries on behaviors as the final step to help children manage the behaviors they display in response to feelings.  Parents can risk over-coaching emotions without limits on behaviors, leaving children acting entitled and dysregulated.  

There is also an approach—Low—Demand Parenting (Amanda Diekman, 2023)—that is mostly focused on parenting kids on the spectrum in a less confrontational manner to reduce meltdowns and increase parent-child engagement to increase co-regulation. This approach is distinct from gentle parenting and is emerging more in the literature on parenting neurodivergent kids. Here’s another write-up on the approach. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/low-demand-parenting.

As a mom of neurodiverse kids, I am curious about Low-Demand Parenting and when it might be the right approach for my family.  Here’s a summary of how it works.

• Low-demand parenting recognizes the inherent functions of demands, expectations, and needs when interacting with our neurodiverse kids. It highlights how demands/expectations can set up natural confrontations between parents and children, sometimes obscuring the actual need underneath the child’s behavioral reactions to the demand. 
• Low-Demand Parenting coaches parents on recognizing and honoring that children’s refusals might be due to feeling like they “can’t” meet an expectation rather than they “won’t” comply.  
• Low-Demand Parenting describes the many “tiny demands” within parenting demands that are obstacles for our neurodiverse children who struggle with executive functioning issues, sensory problems, and regulation challenges. For instance, “Please go brush your teeth,” could present a multitude of small steps (or ‘tiny demands”) that might trigger a behavior in a child.
• Low-demand parenting teaches parents how to “drop a demand” authentically, which means letting go of the expectations both verbally and emotionally to stay connected with your uniquely wired child.  It focuses on the following steps:

• • • Put words to the demand.
    • Think about why the demand matters.
    • Listen to your child’s feelings and experiences of the demand.
    • Try using declarative statements, (i.e. “I’m wondering….”)
    • Seek meaningful communication first with your child over compliance.
    • Get creative about meeting your own needs without putting a demand on your child.
    • Create house rules that you and your child can follow together and still stay connected.

In my experience of parenting and working with parents professionally, I see two key areas where Low-Demand Parenting would be very helpful–with kids/parents who are experiencing  burnout as a direct consequence of their neurodiversity or neurodiverse parenting, and for children who demonstrate “pathological demand avoidance,” (PDA=Pathological Demand Avoidance) otherwise known as “persistent drive for autonomy.”  

PDA presents in children who have Autism or other issues of neurodiversity. These children often feel misunderstood and avoid, resist, or refuse to participate in activities expected of most children (i.e. go to school, get dressed, sit/eat your food, etc.).  Proponents of PDA assert that certain needs aren’t being met for the child and that this “demand avoidance” is their communication of how unsafe and misunderstood they feel. Many kids with PDA also have very strong reasoning skills, and they present as “adults trapped in children’s bodies.”  They have high anxiety, dysregulate easily, and refuse or demand autonomy to manage those symptoms and stay in control.  

These kids tend to need many of the following strategies to manage daily demands:

• “Slow starts”
• “Check in” or “check out” periods to process
• Humor and patience from adults
• Strong focus on trust and respect for their individuality in the relationship
• Subtle demands vs. direct demands that feel aggressive to them.
• Choices related to time or support (How long? What type of help can I choose?)
• Clear explanations of the intrinsic value of the activity  (What’s in it for me?)
• Praise that is pragmatic and authentic 
• Low-pressure requests and environments
• Prioritized requests (How important is it?)
• Prep for unexpected  changes or transitions
• Consistency of routine
• Lots of authentic validation and quiet empathy

Burnout from Autism or parenting neurodiverse children is another time that Low-Demand Parenting can be helpful. Autistic Burnout is “a highly debilitating condition characterized by exhaustion, withdrawal, executive function problems, and generally reduced functioning.”https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-autistic-burnout-6829831 In my experience, parents of kids with Autism or even ADHD can experience this type of burnout.  It is characterized by the following symptoms 

• Exhaustion
• Depressed or anxious feelings
• Inability to demonstrate sufficient executive functioning 
• Suicidal thoughts, if severe
• Withdrawal 

Why might Low-Demand Parenting work for these two instances?  In my opinion, it directly targets self-care and recovery for both the child and the parent.  It recognizes that expectations must be ceased or put aside while the relationship and the people receive care and recovery time.  When we are ill, we rest and go back to the basics. When we receive a diagnosis that is serious or debilitating, we stop, connect with our loved ones, and care for each other.  The same is true when we are having serious consequences from a mental health or developmental condition, like Autism or another neurodiverse condition that is compromising our ability to function.