• About Us
    • FAQs
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley
  • New! Mental Health Consultations
  • Our Services
    • New! Mental Health Consultations
    • Adult Therapy
    • Child Therapies
    • Teen Therapy
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Group therapy for children
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents
  • Therapists
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
    • Hours & Location
    • Payment & Forms
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg
  • Home
  • About Us »
    • FAQs »
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley »
  • New! Mental Health Consultations »
  • Our Services »
    • New! Mental Health Consultations »
    • Adult Therapy »
    • Child Therapies »
    • Teen Therapy »
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy »
    • Family Therapy »
    • Group therapy for children »
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents »
  • Therapists »
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S »
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW »
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC »
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT »
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C »
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C »
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP »
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW »
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd »
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW »
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW »
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW »
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW »
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor »
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW »
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW »
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE »
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW »
  • Blog »
  • Contact Us »
    • Hours & Location »
    • Payment & Forms »
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg »
  • Home »
 
facebook

Capitol Hill office is now open!

Schedule an appointment at intake@thesibleygroupdc.com
  • Recent Posts

    • The Truth about Therapy
    • Why Validation Matters
    • You’ve Heard of Post-Traumatic Stress… but What About Post-Traumatic Growth?
    • Understanding Childhood Grief in the Holidays 
    • The Parent as the Pathway to Healing
  • Archives

    • March 2023
    • January 2023
    • December 2022
    • November 2022
    • October 2022
    • August 2022
    • July 2022
    • June 2022
    • May 2022
    • April 2022
    • March 2022
    • February 2022
    • January 2022
    • December 2021
    • November 2021
    • October 2021
    • September 2021
    • August 2021
    • July 2021
    • May 2021
    • April 2021
    • March 2021
    • February 2021
    • January 2021
    • December 2020
    • November 2020
    • October 2020
    • September 2020
    • August 2020
    • July 2020
    • June 2020
    • May 2020
    • April 2020
    • March 2020
    • February 2020
    • January 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • October 2019
    • September 2019
    • August 2019
    • July 2019
    • June 2019
    • May 2019
    • April 2019
    • March 2019
    • February 2019
    • January 2019
    • December 2018
    • October 2018
    • September 2018
    • August 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • March 2018
    • February 2018
    • January 2018
    • December 2017
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • September 2017
    • August 2017
    • July 2017
    • June 2017
    • May 2017
    • April 2017
    • March 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • November 2016
    • October 2016
    • September 2016
    • August 2016
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
  • Categories

    • ADHD
    • Adult Psychotherapy
    • Anxiety
    • Bethesda Psychotherapist
    • Child Counseling
    • Child therapy
    • Coping Skills
    • Couples Therapy
    • DC Psychotherapist
    • Depression
    • Divorce
    • Family Therapy
    • Mindfulness
    • Parenting
    • Self-care
    • Uncategorized
    • Washington

My Top Communication Tips, Just in Time for the Holidays!

Posted by Amanda Good

 

With the holidays right around the corner, many of us will be spending time catching up with friends and family members. In addition to the time we spend together, our communication within these relationships is our path to closeness and connection. Combining families, planning travel logistics, navigating political conversations, dealing with kids’ behaviors and inevitable sicknesses that are going around – well let’s just say there is plenty of room for conflict in the coming weeks, even if we are excited for holiday gatherings. Conflict is an unavoidable part of relationships, but good communication can prevent a great deal of it, or get us through and past the conflicts more skillfully. Here are my top strategies for more mindful, effective, and rewarding communication with your loved ones:

 

  • Listen with your full attention. Easier said than done- I’m able to do this up to 8 hours a day during therapy sessions and yet when I visit with family members, I still have trouble! Our minds are usually going many places at once, which can inadvertently convey disinterest or judgment. Listening with our full attention means being present, focusing on not only the content of what a person is saying but also the underlying feelings which we imagine they are experiencing. 

 

If you know this is hard for you, give yourself time to prepare. Before you go downstairs to dinner, or before you visit family or your guests show up, center yourself. Take a deep breath. Focus on aspects of the other person/people that you accept, respect, and love. Clear your mind by doing a short meditation. Try not to enter an important conversation when your mind is cluttered. By entering into a dialogue more mindfully, you set yourself up for a more rewarding interaction.

 

  • Respond, don’t react. If you have relatives that you know will push your buttons, this is a good mantra to keep in mind. All relationships involve conflict now and then, so it’s important to think about how to respond in a way that is respectful rather than in a way escalates an argument. 

 

First, breathe. This helps us keep calm and access our more rational thoughts versus the more emotional ones. If you can’t respond calmly, don’t respond yet. Give yourself a few minutes, see how you feel and what you think once your emotional reaction subsides. Maybe you’re still angry and you want to express that — that’s fine, and it will probably be a more effective response once you’re calm

 

Keep your intentions in mind: what do you want to get out of your interaction? Is your goal to be right or to be close? Being right is about winning an argument, whereas being close is about understanding on both sides. Let this guide your choices in your response. Sometimes it’s good to have a dialogue sharing different opinions, whereas other times it’s best to leave it alone and change topics.

 

  • Validate first. This is always a good practice to follow, but especially when you see that someone is getting emotional. Empathy can often be more comforting than a solution, and once people feel seen and heard they can usually figure out solutions on their own. Ask whether the person would like advice or if they just want to vent. Be okay with silence and discomfort; it isn’t always necessary or helpful to give advice.  Sometimes just saying “I’m here if you need anything” or simply acknowledging a person’s feelings is more than enough. Start with empathy, and see where it leads.

 

If a friend or family member is expressing feelings or opinions that you disagree with, empathy is still a great place to start. If you begin by reflecting back what you’ve heard and validating someone’s feelings about something, this lowers defensiveness and creates a sense of shared understanding and acceptance, which is important if you plan to express an opposing view. Validating models the response you’d like to get from them- kindness, self-awareness, an ability to listen even while disagreeing.

 

  • Use the 5:1 rule. Relationship expert John Gottman talks about the need for couples to maintain a “magic ratio” of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in order for marriages to last. In a good relationship, there will be more positive than negative interactions, enough more that it creates a sort of cushioning for the negatives. I encourage people to practice this in all of their relationships, not just marriages. Often we don’t talk about the positive feelings we have towards someone or tell them what we appreciate, because those little moments might come to be expected and overlooked. Look for opportunities to say thank you, to give praise, to empathize or validate, to compliment, to say I love you. 
  • While the holiday season is a hectic time, it also gives us many opportunities to express our love and gratitude. By communicating these positive feelings, we bring more joy into our relationships, and also create feelings of connection that reduce the likelihood or the intensity of conflicts (we’re less defensive about a critical comment if that person spent most of their time being really validating, right? It goes both ways!).

 

  • Set boundaries for tough conversations. If certain conflicts are coming up repeatedly and getting too much ‘air-time,’ then set some boundaries. Perhaps you’d like to ask relatives to simply not discuss politics at the dinner table, and only bring it up before or after if they choose – this sets some limits without avoiding the discussion. Or if your child’s college application process is a source of contention, set up a time when you’re going to talk about it, then think about how you’d like to approach the topic and consider what outcomes are realistic. Setting boundaries and expectations around difficult conversations reduces the tension or fear that the subject might pop up at any time.  By giving yourself and others a chance to reflect on the subject and plan what to say or not to say, it also leads to more productive communication about the issue.

 

  • Envision conversations going well, and communicate your way there. Take time to think about what you most want to share with your friends and family when you see them, and imagine what you would most like to hear and feel from their responses. This can be a guide for how you choose to communicate your feelings, as well as for how to ask for your needs to be met.  I ask kids to think of at least three positive experiences or accomplishments they’d like to share when they see friends and family over the holidays, and to think about how they want to tell their stories based on the reaction they are hoping to receive.

 

It’s also okay to bring up more difficult topics – and even more important to envision a positive outcome of that interaction. We don’t always know what we want from a conversation, but when we do know, we can honor that and try our best to communicate in a way which leaves us feeling understood. Think about your audience, reflect on what you want to get out of your interaction, and speak your truth.

This entry was posted in Adult Psychotherapy and tagged Communication skills, communication tips, winter holidays. Bookmark the permalink.
← Previous Post Next Post →
  • About Us
  • Our Services
  • Hours & Location
  • Payment & Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
  • Home
  • No Surprises Act

Allison Sibley & Associates, PLLC • 5039 Connecticut Avenue NW #5 Washington DC 20008
202-237-1196 [office]

Website by MightyLittleWebShop.com. Photos by Karen Elliott Greisdorf and Amanda Good.

©️ Copyright 2023. The Sibley Group. All rights reserved.

 

favicon

New Service Offerings: Mental Health Consultations

TSG is aware of the high level of need for mental health support and treatment for the families in our community and beyond, and an increasingly short supply of available therapists. We are excited to offer new services with immediate daytime availability: Mental Health Consultations. These appointments are a one-time or brief preventive and/or supportive service for individuals and families who are not engaged in therapy at TSG, yet could benefit from consulting with a mental health expert in a variety of ways. Email intake@thesibleygroupdc.com for more information or to schedule a consultation.

Click here for more information on on our new mental health consultation service.