One Simple Phrase to Get “Un-Stuck”
Our thoughts and emotions can hold immense power over us, and that’s often what brings my clients into therapy. No matter how smart or skilled or successful we are, we are all susceptible to getting overwhelmed. Whether it is a loss, a life transition, a looming challenge or deadline, or just a pile-up of daily tasks, we can reach points where things feel out of control.
In these moments, it can feel like our emotions are the absolute truth, dictating our reality and skewing our perception.
Enter the simple but powerful phrase to help break out of feeling stuck: “Real but not true.”
I discovered this phrase while listening to the meditation teacher Tara Brach, although it originally comes from the Buddhist teachings of Tsoknyi Rinpoche. This simple yet profound concept serves as a gentle reminder that while our feelings are undeniably real and valid, they don’t necessarily reflect the objective truth of a situation.
Let’s unpack this idea further.
When we say that our feelings and thoughts – our internal experiences, our worries, our memories – are real, we acknowledge their existence and their impact on our inner world. Emotions like fear, sadness, anger, and joy are deeply ingrained aspects of the human experience, and denying or suppressing them only leads to further distress. Accepting our emotions is a crucial first step towards self-awareness and healing (check out my recent blog on acceptance).
However, it’s essential to recognize that the presence of a feeling does not automatically validate the accompanying thoughts or interpretations. This is where the distinction between “real” and “true” comes in. Just because we feel something intensely does not mean that our perception of reality is accurate or unbiased.
For example, imagine a person who receives constructive criticism at work. Their initial emotional response might be one of shame or inadequacy, leading them to believe that they are a failure. In this scenario, the feeling of shame is undoubtedly real and valid—it’s a natural human response to perceived threat or rejection. However, the belief that they are a failure is not necessarily true; it’s a subjective interpretation colored by their emotions and past experiences.
This is where the power of mindfulness comes into play. By cultivating present-moment awareness, we can observe our thoughts and feelings without getting stuck in them. When we encounter challenging emotions or negative thought patterns, we can pause and remind ourselves: “This feeling is real, but is it true?” This simple question serves as a reality check, inviting us to examine our assumptions and interpretations with a curious and compassionate mindset.
In essence, “real but not true” encourages us to accept whatever emotions or thoughts are coming up for us, while maintaining a sense of perspective and discernment. It’s a gentle reminder that our feelings and thoughts are not infallible indicators of reality; they are merely fleeting phenomena that arise and pass like clouds in the sky, if we can remember to let them go.
As a therapist, I often incorporate this concept into my work with clients, guiding them to explore the stories they tell themselves and the underlying beliefs that shape their experiences. By cultivating a mindset of curiosity and inquiry, we can begin to unravel the internal narratives we’ve developed around our identities and our challenges. We can separate our feelings from facts, and then make more informed decisions about how to act based on our new awareness.
“Real but not true” serves as a powerful antidote when we get stuck in a cycle of overwhelm and negative thinking. It invites us to hold our feelings with kindness and compassion while recognizing that they are not the ultimate truth. By embracing this wisdom, we can navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience, clarity, and inner peace.