• About Us
    • FAQs
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley
  • New! Mental Health Consultations
  • Our Services
    • New! Mental Health Consultations
    • Adult Therapy
    • Child Therapies
    • Teen Therapy
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Group therapy for children
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents
  • Therapists
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
    • Hours & Location
    • Payment & Forms
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg
  • Home
  • About Us »
    • FAQs »
    • Interview with Dr. Allison Sibley »
  • New! Mental Health Consultations »
  • Our Services »
    • New! Mental Health Consultations »
    • Adult Therapy »
    • Child Therapies »
    • Teen Therapy »
    • Couples Counseling and Therapy »
    • Family Therapy »
    • Group therapy for children »
    • Group therapy for teens and adolescents »
  • Therapists »
    • Allison Sibley, PHD, LICSW, RPT-S »
    • Cristina Alba, MSW, LGSW »
    • Justin Barrasso, MS, LPC, NCC »
    • Danielle Birx-Raybuck, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Alexander Chan, PhD, LMFT »
    • Kristin Drouin, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, APHSW-C »
    • Amanda Good, MSW, LICSW, EMDR-C »
    • Jules Hartsfeld, LPC, LCAS, CCTP »
    • Alexis Herschthal, MSW, LICSW »
    • Sarah Jones, LICSW, LCSW-C »
    • Meagan Mitchell, MSW, LICSW, MEd »
    • Sarah Perrin, MSW, LGSW »
    • Michelle Pittman, MSW, LICSW »
    • Georgette Saad, MSW, LICSW »
    • Rachel Scharf, MSW, LGSW »
    • Lori Seifter, Consulting Supervisor »
    • Barry Shapiro, MSW, LICSW »
    • Laurel Tobias, MSW, LICSW »
    • Lottie Walker, MSW, LGSW, CSE »
    • Rachel Yutzy, MSS, LICSW »
  • Blog »
  • Contact Us »
    • Hours & Location »
    • Payment & Forms »
    • Assistant to the Director – Sherri Eichberg »
  • Home »
 
facebook

Capitol Hill office is now open!

Schedule an appointment at intake@thesibleygroupdc.com
  • Recent Posts

    • The Truth about Therapy
    • Why Validation Matters
    • You’ve Heard of Post-Traumatic Stress… but What About Post-Traumatic Growth?
    • Understanding Childhood Grief in the Holidays 
    • The Parent as the Pathway to Healing
  • Archives

    • March 2023
    • January 2023
    • December 2022
    • November 2022
    • October 2022
    • August 2022
    • July 2022
    • June 2022
    • May 2022
    • April 2022
    • March 2022
    • February 2022
    • January 2022
    • December 2021
    • November 2021
    • October 2021
    • September 2021
    • August 2021
    • July 2021
    • May 2021
    • April 2021
    • March 2021
    • February 2021
    • January 2021
    • December 2020
    • November 2020
    • October 2020
    • September 2020
    • August 2020
    • July 2020
    • June 2020
    • May 2020
    • April 2020
    • March 2020
    • February 2020
    • January 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • October 2019
    • September 2019
    • August 2019
    • July 2019
    • June 2019
    • May 2019
    • April 2019
    • March 2019
    • February 2019
    • January 2019
    • December 2018
    • October 2018
    • September 2018
    • August 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • March 2018
    • February 2018
    • January 2018
    • December 2017
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • September 2017
    • August 2017
    • July 2017
    • June 2017
    • May 2017
    • April 2017
    • March 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • November 2016
    • October 2016
    • September 2016
    • August 2016
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
  • Categories

    • ADHD
    • Adult Psychotherapy
    • Anxiety
    • Bethesda Psychotherapist
    • Child Counseling
    • Child therapy
    • Coping Skills
    • Couples Therapy
    • DC Psychotherapist
    • Depression
    • Divorce
    • Family Therapy
    • Mindfulness
    • Parenting
    • Self-care
    • Uncategorized
    • Washington

How to Separate the Choice from the Child

Posted by Georgette Saad

Sometimes as  parents, we can become frustrated in a parenting moment, and unwittingly and unknowingly  be reckless with our language towards our children.  As a child therapist in Washington DC, I find that this happens most with parents when they don’t know what to do to manage a certain behavior or are stressed themselves personally.  I work with parents on making a key shift in their thinking and their parenting, which is to separate the choice from the child. Here are three simple tips we can use to start this process.

  • Use the word “choice.”

This might sound simple and redundant, yet let’s see how it shifts your mindset and better directs your positive parenting intentions. When going through your day-to-day interactions with your children such as at bedtime, try talking about the choice that your child has to quickly put on their pajamas on so that there’s time for a story. If your child is putting more energy into protesting, comment on the choice they are making which will naturally reduce or eliminate the time for a story: “It seems like you’re making the choice to take your time in putting your pajamas on. We might not have time for a story unless you choose to put your pajamas on quickly.” Natural consequences become more apparent and can divert escalation.  Outside of tough moments, try highlighting that your child has made a choice to put their left shoe on first and then their right. In a child’s world, noticing these nuances can help them feel mastery over tasks and they will begin to realize that they can make a choice and don’t need to succumb to impulses. Neither do you.

  • Identify the choice your child has made instead of labeling your child as the outcome or the problem.

It’s far too easy to characterize your child, or anyone for that matter, as the outcome of their decision. You’re irresponsible. You’re disrespectful. Sound familiar? We can assume that the action is the target, not the person. Basic grammar dictates that the person is the target. Over time, if we aren’t careful with our words, our children can easily begin to internalize those negative characteristics, and and begin believing and acting out those negative beliefs about themselves. I am not saying to ignore the action. I am suggesting that your child is not irresponsible but rather they made an irresponsible choice. He or she is not disrespectful but rather made a disrespectful choice. Communicating this helps a child reflect on their actions rather than feeling judged or becoming defensive.

  • Identify your child’s worth and positive characteristics while being curious about his/her choices.

In the heat of the moment, quelling frustration and anger can be tough. Amanda Good shared some great tips here (https://thesibleygroupdc.com/approaching-anger/) to address the inevitable emotion of anger. As a parent however, frustration can easily be online too often. While you’re separating the choice from the child, try taking a stance of curiosity as you approach them. Be mindful, and actively try to position your face so that you look curious rather than frustrated. Here’s how–1) Tilt your head a bit to one side and ask a question;  2) Use statements that start with “I wonder;” 3) Highlight the positive characteristics that you know your child possesses; 4) Then follow up with a question that contradicts those characteristics.

For example, try saying, “I know how much you love painting and you’re so creative. I love seeing all of the art that you make. I wonder why you chose to tear up your painting.” Or another example could be that  you have multiple children and more often than not, playtime ends up in tears because one hit the other.  Resist yelling and correcting, and try saying, “I know how much you love your sister. You both have so much fun when we bake together, play at the water park and you both do such a great job picking out a story for bedtime together. I wonder what happened that you chose to hit instead of using your words.”

By refocusing your attention on the choices your child or children make, you can learn to let them lead.  It’s a nice window of opportunity to actively model how to express feelings and manage tough emotions. You also can begin to guide them to answers rather than giving them answers. These steps allow you the opportunity to problem-solve, brainstorm and teach your child to engage in the process of making decisions with confidence. Over time, their choices teach them to approach challenges with greater confidence and competence rather than avoid uncomfortable situations.

This entry was posted in Child Counseling, Family Therapy, Parenting and tagged Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.
← Previous Post Next Post →
  • About Us
  • Our Services
  • Hours & Location
  • Payment & Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
  • Home
  • No Surprises Act

Allison Sibley & Associates, PLLC • 5039 Connecticut Avenue NW #5 Washington DC 20008
202-237-1196 [office]

Website by MightyLittleWebShop.com. Photos by Karen Elliott Greisdorf and Amanda Good.

©️ Copyright 2023. The Sibley Group. All rights reserved.

 

favicon

New Service Offerings: Mental Health Consultations

TSG is aware of the high level of need for mental health support and treatment for the families in our community and beyond, and an increasingly short supply of available therapists. We are excited to offer new services with immediate daytime availability: Mental Health Consultations. These appointments are a one-time or brief preventive and/or supportive service for individuals and families who are not engaged in therapy at TSG, yet could benefit from consulting with a mental health expert in a variety of ways. Email intake@thesibleygroupdc.com for more information or to schedule a consultation.

Click here for more information on on our new mental health consultation service.