The Pandemic Hangover for Parents

I’m writing today about a topic that has come up in most of my sessions with parents over the past 30 days. Parents and kids are excited about summer. Families have travel plans booked. Some kids are headed off to camps. Parents are anticipating more normal work routines and benefitting from their social lives returning. Yet most parents I know are saying this and asking one primary question—-We’ve made it through the hardest parts of the pandemic—virtual schooling, lockdowns with our kids, social distancing/isolation, etc. And, we’ve survived unrealistic parenting demands, supported our kids through mental and emotional declines, and come out on the other side (mostly).  WHY ARE WE STILL SO TIRED?

I’m calling this experience The Pandemic Hangover for Parents. Most of us know what a hangover feels like after drinking too much, working too much, or eating too much sugar, right?  Well, doing too much can leave us feeling hungover as well. And we outperformed ourselves and worked way beyond our paygrade as parents during the pandemic!! In my clinical work with parents and couples, I’m seeing this emotional fatigue and weak stamina A LOT. Here are the signs and symptoms.

1. You can’t seem to organize your thoughts around decisions that were handled easily before.
2. You want to crawl into bed after a normal day of activities when it is still light outside just like you did during those dark pandemic winter months.  
3. You struggle to manage your family calendar that is building back up again.
4. You feel exhausted after one too many social outings (even though you are doing about ⅓ or ½ of what you used to do socially).  
5. You are feeling lethargic or slow during daytime hours despite getting enough rest. 
6. You are feeling a bit low and slow emotionally and you can’t pin it on anything other than the pandemic.
7. You’re not depressed (you’ve checked that out), yet life isn’t quite as good as it was before. You have a little less fun than you did in the past. 
8. You keep waiting to feel consistently good again (even though you are grateful and life is pretty good).  
9. You stay preoccupied with your kids’ activities and well-being (even when they are just chilling at home).
10. You find that you can’t accomplish as much as you used to. 
11. You dread getting dressed in those tight jeans or nice outfits that you’ve had hiding out in your closet all pandemic. 

First, know that uncertainty is generally anxiety-provoking and exhausting. And we’ve been in that state for over a year. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk writes about how our brains slow and our bodies feel heavy as we try to emerge from trauma in his book, The Body Keeps the Score. We’re living through this collective trauma together, and our bodies and minds are trying to recover. Just know that and be willing to take it easy on yourself!

Don’t misunderstand–There is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling this way. That’s the point! Most parents are feeling this way as they emerge from the pandemic. And, here’s why:  Human beings are highly adaptable–humans also customize their habits, energy, and output according to what structures and routines exist around them. We’ve been living by a different set of rules and routines–pandemic routines and habits. We need time to work our way into our post-pandemic ways of living and interacting. 

Humans also don’t change very quickly or easily. You’ve heard some people say it takes 30 days to form a new habit. That is probably an under-estimation. One source says the following:   {It takes only one day to form a bad habit but can take an average of 66 days(9+weeks=summer vacation) to automate a good habit: automation can range between 18-254 days depending on the task, the person and the situation.} Getting Past Procrastination: How to Get Your Kids Organized, Focused, and Motivated…Without Being the Bad Guy: Dolin M.Ed., Ann K.: 9781721938476: Amazon.com: Books. Therefore, we need time, repetition, and practice to build our stamina back up for the life that we want our families to live as we re-enter. 

Here’s the good news about all of this—This transition gives us parents the opportunity to do our lives better, if we so choose. We get to clean house emotionally–to get rid of the old habits that weren’t serving us well and form new habits that better support our parenting and our growth as parents.  

In the next two blogs, I’m going to write about How To Give Yourself A Parent Check-Up as well as How To Develop Your Own Parent Development Plan.